Saturday, June 21, 2014

Another throw-away post

You know the deal - NSFW.  At all

Jokes my friends send me

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?  Ask them how to pronounce unionized.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Bad things I've done

The Ragin' Mrs and I were off to see a friend in the hospital last night.  But before we left, we had dinner.  BBQ pork.  And the Mrs spiced it up a bit.

And by "a bit", I mean my entire head was sweating by the time I finished eating.  My lips were burning.  I was chugging milk to make the heat go away.  But my mouth cooled down just in time to leave.

So off we go, and sure enough, by the time we get to the hospital my stomach is doing flip-flops.  Not enough that I couldn't control it, but bad enough that I had to find ways to release the pressure when no one was around.

So we're in the elevator heading up to where our friend is at, and I feel it:  That rumbling, twisting, gurgling sensation that says a pressure release is imminent.  Since the Mrs and I are the only ones on the elevator, I figure that if I let it go at just the right time, no one will notice.

The doors open, and as I slowly walk out, I trip the pressure release switch.  I'm talking a good three second burst which let out so much gas that my waist shrank several inches.  And I managed to do it silently, which I thought was amazing.  And we saunter out of the elevator, and there's no one around, and I'm thinking that I've made it free and clear.

Then, at the last minute, I see a nurse turn the corner and high-tail it to the open elevator.  I tried to warn her off with my eyes, but she didn't even look at me, just sped into the elevator that I had just turned into a gas chamber.

As the doors closed, I heard her start coughing.  And then I heard a sob right before the doors shut completely.

I'm pretty sure it's things like that will send me straight to hell.  I won't even bounce in purgatory, there will just be a Dave-shaped hole in the floor, while I burn into the seventh or eighth circle.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Answer to the Trivia Question

The Seattle Metropolitans were the first US Team to win the Stanley Cup, in 1917.

If the NHL ever pulled it's head out of it's ass, it would get a pro hockey team in Seattle pronto.  There are more minor league teams around the Puget Sound than you can shake a stick at, and they all have good attendance.  A pro team would have a fan base that would rival the Seahawks.

And this is why Kalifornia will never be "home"

I'm pretty sure I stole that from here.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

New Jersey slips further into Hell

The State of New Jersey is threatening to terminate a parent's rights and put his son up for adoption because the kid was twirling a pencil "like a gun".

This is not a joke.

The proper response to this kind of idiocy and insanity is to burn down the building that houses the government doing the threatening.  Preferably with the people who initiated this insanity still inside the building.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What is this "cup" you speak of?

I keep hearing about something called the "World Cup" on the news.  What is this "World Cup"?  There's only one cup in sports worth mentioning, and that's Lord Stanley's Cup, now in the possession of the LA Kings.  Previously it belonged to Chicago.  And before that there were Canadian teams who had it for a while.

Is there some other cup out there?  It can't be very important, whatever it is.

POP QUIZ!  Who was the first American team to win the Stanley Cup?

No using Google!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Wait, wait, wait....

The Obama regime is now hoping that IRAN pulls their bacon out of the fire in Iraq?


*bangs face on keyboard*

*sobs for what's left of my country*

What kind of gutless, weak, pathetic, brainless fucking shitstains hope that the WORLD'S LARGEST STATE SPONSOR OF TERRORISM HELPS FIGHT A TERRORIST GROUP?!?!?!?!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

You've all heard that Cello song, right?

You can probably hum it in your sleep, ever since it re-surfaced several years ago.

Well, here's the entire song, 18+ minutes of glorious music.

I could listen to that all day.