Day by Day

Friday, June 20, 2014

Bad things I've done

The Ragin' Mrs and I were off to see a friend in the hospital last night.  But before we left, we had dinner.  BBQ pork.  And the Mrs spiced it up a bit.

And by "a bit", I mean my entire head was sweating by the time I finished eating.  My lips were burning.  I was chugging milk to make the heat go away.  But my mouth cooled down just in time to leave.

So off we go, and sure enough, by the time we get to the hospital my stomach is doing flip-flops.  Not enough that I couldn't control it, but bad enough that I had to find ways to release the pressure when no one was around.

So we're in the elevator heading up to where our friend is at, and I feel it:  That rumbling, twisting, gurgling sensation that says a pressure release is imminent.  Since the Mrs and I are the only ones on the elevator, I figure that if I let it go at just the right time, no one will notice.

The doors open, and as I slowly walk out, I trip the pressure release switch.  I'm talking a good three second burst which let out so much gas that my waist shrank several inches.  And I managed to do it silently, which I thought was amazing.  And we saunter out of the elevator, and there's no one around, and I'm thinking that I've made it free and clear.

Then, at the last minute, I see a nurse turn the corner and high-tail it to the open elevator.  I tried to warn her off with my eyes, but she didn't even look at me, just sped into the elevator that I had just turned into a gas chamber.

As the doors closed, I heard her start coughing.  And then I heard a sob right before the doors shut completely.

I'm pretty sure it's things like that will send me straight to hell.  I won't even bounce in purgatory, there will just be a Dave-shaped hole in the floor, while I burn into the seventh or eighth circle.


Gerry N. said...

pretty much the same thing happened to me in the JC Penney store in N. Seattle a few years back. I vented a serious but silent pressure bomb in the perfume dept. it was ghastly. Da Missus nearly blew a gasket trying not to crack up while we were escaping. Those things are hard to control.

Ragin' Dave said...

And deadly. Spicy pork BBQ does baaaaaad things to your gut. Or at least, to mine. The smell is enough to peel paint off the walls.