To Whom It May Concern,
It has recently come to my attention that certain organizations that represent the interests of the United States of America in the aspect of democratic elections has come under fire. Presently there are investigations ongoing in a plethora of states involving a very large organization for voter fraud. Let me just say that if these allegations prove true, this organization has irrevocably demeaned the basis of democracy in this country. Therefore it is incumbent upon myself to present an equitable alternative to the current high profile advocate for
It is for these reasons that I am founding the new champion of voter rights. My organization, Community Organizations of Reforming Narcissists Hellbent On Liberalizing Everyone or C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. for short, will ensure every United States Citizen or French, Indian, Russian, Canadian, and even Iranian citizen the right to vote in our elections.
C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. is dedicated to nothing less than every person, living or dead, real or fictional having a say in the elections of the United States of America. However, C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. realizes that this objective cannot be attained by behaving as its predecessor. Strict, well, semi-strict rules must be in place as to appear to make C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. look respectable.
A few examples of new rules C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. will implement to distance ourselves from previous voting rights organizations are below:
- C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. will not allow any person dead for a period of less than ten (10) years to register or vote. This practice is deplorable as the families of these deceased individuals could see the names on the registrant lists and become despondent.
- No individual will be allowed to register in more than thirty-six (36) states without written consent.
- C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. will not acknowledge the voting right of any fictional character created before 1900. Most of these characters are iconic symbols of the American culture and should not be used in such a frivolous manner. Also, by using the names and likenesses of these characters C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. employees would show an astonishing lack of creativity and/or cleverness which is something C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. deeply frowns upon.
- No Disney characters will be registered as it would be assumed that they would most likely vote Republican (Goofy being the obvious exception).
- No illegal narcotics will be given as incentives for degenerates to vote. Degenerates require a positive reward for voting, hence only legal narcotics such as nicotine and alcohol based products will be given as incentives. Crystal Meth is permitted in Washington D.C. and Chicago.
- The "glasses and banana nose" disguise will no longer be allowed for voters who vote more than a dozen times. The use of said disguise is obvious and an insult to Jimmy Carter’s monitoring team stationed at across the country. C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. doesn’t want to make it difficult for them to ignore you.
- Any and all Warner Brothers Looney Tunes characters will be automatically added to the registration lists of every county in every state due to the liberal leaning viewpoints of and Elmore Fudd when Bugs is dressed in drag. These characters also frequently teach valuable lessons about the dangers of firearms.
- Cash bribes will no longer be given to degenerates to vote. All donations belong to me. If a voter insists on a cash bribe simply fill in the registration form for him or her and submit it to thirty-six (36) states. We will have personnel on hand (wearing the "blonde wig and witch nose" disguise) to vote for them.
- Any and all Muppets detained at polling stations will be instructed to immediately claim racism and call MSNBC.
- The names Pablo Escobar, Johnny Smith, Abraham Lincoln, C. Thomas Howell and Keith Olberman may not be used more than a million times in any given state (this rule does not apply to Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, or Colorado).
- C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. reserves the right to refuse to register any person which it believes may attempt to vote for a Republican or even a centrist Democrat.
For anyone wishing to privately support C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E. donations may be given at any of our offices in all fifty-seven states. Please make checks payable to the Premier of the People’s Republic of China.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Now THAT'S funny right there!