Northwest Traditions

(Your milage may vary West of the Cascades)

Acidman has up a few rules for those of you visiting the South. I figured that I'd modify it a bit and see if I can make it apply to Idaho, since I identify more with that state than anywhere else. Plus, they have a lot of truth in them.

If you are going to live in, or visit Idaho, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Idahoan's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The brownish-red dirt - it's called clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a steelhead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait. (minimum length for keeping a steelhead sturgeon is 14 FEET. Any smaller, you have to toss them back)

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. We do have tea. We also have that froufy shit from Seattle that's laughingly called "coffee". Most of us don't drink either of them. We like our coffee straight. Hot, Black, and hard to see through.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We've got a five-hundred thousand dollar tractor-bailer combo that gets used one month out of the year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

15. We don't do "hurry up" well.

16. Potatos? Yeah, we got 'em. Make a stupid joke about them and you'll get your ass kicked.

17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, trout and pike. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

18. They are cows, and horses, and sheep, and pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 90 goes two ways - Highway 95 goes the other two. Pick one.

19. Grits are corn. Plain corn. They don't taste very good, and we really don't care for them. But you'd better order a damn big stack of flapjacks. With real maple syrup, and real butter. None of that fake crap. Ordering ham, bacon, or sausage is also a good idea.

20. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or elk season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, maple syrup, and sausage before daylight at the local diner on either day.

21. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

22. Yeah, we have golf courses. They're populated by fancy rich people who don't live here except for the two weeks out of the year that they come over and wander around. We avoid those people while they're here. Also, I'm sure you've noticed the many elk and deer in Idaho. They have predators. Those predators also live here. Think about where you're stepping to retrieve that ball.

23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

24. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

25. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them - TRIED enacted a measure to stop this. They failed.

God, I can't wait to get out of this city.