News You Can Use

Global Warming Rears Its Ugly Head

• Midwest Storm Closes Airport, Expected to Bring 16 Inches of Snow

Ah, yes, of course you uneducated troglodyte. Global Warming, er, Climate Change is responsible for all manner of "extreme weather."
Handy that. Flood? Drought? Snow Storms? Heat Waves? Yup, all global warming's fault.


But...but....but...I thought the people LOVED him?

• Venezuela's Chavez Defeated in Bid for Indefinite Re-Election, Sweeping Reform

The changes would have created new forms of communal property, let Chavez handpick local leaders under a redrawn political map, permit civil liberties to be suspended under extended states of emergency and allow Chavez to seek re-election indefinitely.

Oh man. Where do I sign UP?! Wow. Now, that's funny: isn't Chavez the darling of the lefty commie set? But doesn't the above perfectly describe the standard laundry list of dangers the Rabid Left warns us Bush is poised to impose at any moment? Whataya know...Bush is a socialist! Who knew?


From the "It's not a trend" Dept:

• Death toll for Iraqis falls for 3rd straight month

“We’ve gone from horrific levels of murder to very bad, which is an improvement but not a reason to celebrate,” said Richard Garfield, a professor at New York’s Columbia University and a manager of health and nutrition for the World Health Organization.

Wow. Columbia University. Hmm. Never would have seen THAT coming.

Strangely, Not Being Branded A Hate Crime

• Fourth man charged in NFL player's killing

From the "Surpriiiiise, Surpriiiiise, Surpriiiiise!" Dept.

• Putin's party sweeps to victory

With nearly 92 percent of precincts reporting, Putin's United Russia Party
had 63.2 percent of the vote, according to the Central Election Commission.

Almost as good as Saddam Hussein's results.

Independent election monitors say their work has been hampered, and reports
abound of state employees being ordered to support the government.

Voter Disenfranchisement! Not just for Rethuglicans anymore...

But There's Still Plenty Left to Pay For Government Health Care for Everyone, Right?

• U.S. government debt soars

"We pay in interest four times more than we spend on education and four times what it will cost to cover 10 million children with health insurance for five years," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a California Democrat. "That's fiscal irresponsibility."

So, uh, Ms. Pelosi, where then do we get all the money to pay for these grandiose social programs of which you speak? Hmmm? Shouldn't we be focused on paying off what we've got before we open more credit card accounts? Wouldn't THAT be more fiscally responsible? Maybe you could send a Memo to John Edwards or Hill Clinton about their health care ideas or the $5,000 per student thing?

Religion of Peace Update:

• Sudanese President Pardons British Teacher Jailed for 'Muhammad' Teddy Bear

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir on Monday agreed to pardon a British
teacher jailed here after she allowed her students to name a teddy bear Muhammad

Because heaven FORBID you allow the name of the penultimate prophet of your religion to be associated with something soft, warm, and comforting to small children. That's really more of a Jesus thing. INFIDEL!

Gibbons escaped harsher punishment that could have included up to 40 lashes, six months in prison and a fine.

There were also concerns for Gibbons' safety after thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and swords and beating drums, burned pictures of her and demanded her execution during a rally in the capital Khartoum on Friday.

I imagine they won't be reading "Charlotte's Web" in her class anytime soon.