So we got some jalapenos last week to make jalapeno poppers. Now, jalapenos aren't all that hot as peppers go. In fact, if you bring some jalapenos to a fire-mouth convention, you might just get kicked out for being such a soft-mouthed wuss. So getting jalapenos didn't seem too dangerous to the wife and I. After all, this is the woman who eats jalapeno peppers the way I eat pickles. There isn't much that fazes the wife when it comes to spicy foods. She eats foods that are hot enough to make me curl up into a ball, sucking my thumb and whimpering "Make the bad pepper stop!"
So when she couldn't finish one simple jalapeno because of the heat, we should have known something was wrong. But we figured "Hey, we're going to take the seeds out, that'll cut the heat, and the filling is going to be cream cheese, gorganzola cheese, and bacon. It'll be fine!"
You know the peppers are hot when they burn you twice, once going in and once going out. Holy hell. I'm talking ice cubes rubbing down your asshole the next morning hot. Jump up and slap your momma hot. Dear God Make It Stop hot. Shove dry ice in your mouth hot. Slap my ass and call me Susan hot. Montezuma's Revenge? Pshaw. That's a light case of gas compared to what these peppers did to me a few nights ago.
But the worst part is that this is happening not because of habeneros or scotch bonnet peppers. No, this is from JALAPENOS!!!!! These are the hottest damn jalapenos I have ever seen! They qualify as a concealed weapon. You never expect a damn jalapeno pepper to be hot like that.
So, having been burnt (twice!) by these peppers, what do the wife and I do? Do we run away and never buy peppers from this commisary ever again? Do we avoid spicy food for a while to let our guts recover? Do we use common sense and insure that we don't suffer gastromicial thermonuclear meltdowns in the near future?
No, of course not. This is the Raging Couple, after all! We go and buy five pounds of the firey bastards, which are currently in the smoker turning into chipotole peppers, some of which will be turned into a chipotle sauce, and some of which will be dehydrated and stored.
Yes, I will be in pain. Yes, I will sweat buckets. Yes, I will chug milk and swear and tell myself just how stupid I am for eating another little green atomic bomb.
But you know what? I bet there are a bunch of you out there who would do just the same. And if you don't understand why we do it, well, I don't know if I can explain it to you.